Tuesday, December 18, 2012

a guide to uk cities for foreign people

  • manchester: gays. you will probably get mugged.
  • liverpool: like manchester, but less gay. you will definitely get mugged.
  • newcastle: probably quite good for canadians as exists in permafrost and has never left the 90s.
  • leeds: it's a lot cheaper than london
  • bradford: leeds but awful
  • nottingham: gun death capital of the uk!
  • derby: intense rivalry with nottingham, literally no one else in the country or world gives any fucks about this.
  • hull: violently resist anyone who attempts to take you here
  • leicester: i'm not sure this is a real place
  • york: this is an illustration from the top of a christmas biscuit assortment
  • birmingham: NO.
  • brighton & hove: more gays. is only a pretend city. mild to moderate chance of mugging. contains some deeply annoying hippies. basically if san francisco was british.
  • portsmouth: there is literally nothing here.
  • southampton: exactly the same as portsmouth but smells of off milk
  • bristol: you have a 1 in 10 chance of ending up in a bbc recording. everyone sounds like a farmer or bob marley.
  • cardiff: you have a 1 in 5 chance of ending up in a bbc recording, and a 1 in 3 chance of being glassed.
  • plymouth: post apocalyptic wind tunnel full of drunk sailors pissing on depressed hookers. do not enter.
  • penzance: everyone here is from london now.
  • london: no one from london is actually from london and even breathing is expensive.
  • cambridge: windy and full of equal amounts of homeless drug addicts and public schoolboys. the junkies are nicer.
  • oxford: same number of cunts as cambridge but easier to escape from due to all-night bus to london
  • edinburgh: a goth turned into a city. basically london but slightly more scottish.
  • glasgow: it is impossible to tell whether people are angry or happy.
  • aberdeen: las vegas at the point when vegas starts crying uncontrollably
  • belfast: do not order "an irish car bomb" OR "a black and tan" here.
  • wolverhampton: really, really don't.
  • norwich: count people's fingers. mutations walk here.
  • coventry: like plymouth, bombed flat in ww2. like plymouth, failed to take the hint. like plymouth: do not alight here.
  • peterborough: you probably got off the train to Edinburgh a couple of hours too early.


  1. hoebagins reblogged this from ravenroac
  2. smindersonfan reblogged this from sher-loki-driversong and added:
    Still, fun to try and visit.
  3. sher-loki-driversong reblogged this from smindersonfan and added:
    Good to know… now the UK seems scary
  4. maxrasmussen reblogged this from smindersonfan
  5. alanscarlile reblogged this from vampieromoney
  6. ravenroac reblogged this from superwhotolkienlocked
  7. vampieromoney reblogged this from ismychemback
  8. cupcakelkkl reblogged this from smindersonfan
  9. folieadontouchme reblogged this from ismychemback
  10. lokiofbakerst reblogged this from itisawhovian
  11. 13tardises reblogged this from the-life-and-times-of-a-nerd
  12. mcrdegrassi217 reblogged this from ismychemback
  13. the-life-and-times-of-a-nerd reblogged this from superwhotolkienlocked
  14. alltimechemicalkilljoy reblogged this from ismychemback
  15. superwhotolkienlocked reblogged this from ismychemback
  16. lightningstorm-in-a-teacup reblogged this from ismychemback
  17. ismychemback reblogged this from smindersonfan
  18. madnads101 reblogged this from alabasterdaisies
  19. itisawhovian reblogged this from smindersonfan
  20. mythoughtswillnotkeepstill reblogged this from smindersonfan
  21. iloatheurls reblogged this from beyonddunedin
  22. abcfireinthehole reblogged this from beyonddunedin
  23. timmyz reblogged this from will-work-for-compliments
  24. beyonddunedin reblogged this from actor-fanboy-extraordinaire
  25. sociallyawkwardandiknowit reblogged this from sarumanga
  26. sarumanga reblogged this from will-work-for-compliments
  27. help-me-sleep-at-night reblogged this from messy-hair-and-yellow-masks
  28. the-age-of-the-understatement reblogged this from suspicious-expediti0ns
  29. officiallyonyourteam-youbastards reblogged this from xwtfisthisx
  30. flockey15 reblogged this from suspicious-expediti0ns
  31. substitutiarilocomotion reblogged this from will-work-for-compliments
  32. amelie-liedtome reblogged this from suspicious-expediti0ns