Tuesday, December 18, 2012

a guide to uk cities for foreign people

  • manchester: gays. you will probably get mugged.
  • liverpool: like manchester, but less gay. you will definitely get mugged.
  • newcastle: probably quite good for canadians as exists in permafrost and has never left the 90s.
  • leeds: it's a lot cheaper than london
  • bradford: leeds but awful
  • nottingham: gun death capital of the uk!
  • derby: intense rivalry with nottingham, literally no one else in the country or world gives any fucks about this.
  • hull: violently resist anyone who attempts to take you here
  • leicester: i'm not sure this is a real place
  • york: this is an illustration from the top of a christmas biscuit assortment
  • birmingham: NO.
  • brighton & hove: more gays. is only a pretend city. mild to moderate chance of mugging. contains some deeply annoying hippies. basically if san francisco was british.
  • portsmouth: there is literally nothing here.
  • southampton: exactly the same as portsmouth but smells of off milk
  • bristol: you have a 1 in 10 chance of ending up in a bbc recording. everyone sounds like a farmer or bob marley.
  • cardiff: you have a 1 in 5 chance of ending up in a bbc recording, and a 1 in 3 chance of being glassed.
  • plymouth: post apocalyptic wind tunnel full of drunk sailors pissing on depressed hookers. do not enter.
  • penzance: everyone here is from london now.
  • london: no one from london is actually from london and even breathing is expensive.
  • cambridge: windy and full of equal amounts of homeless drug addicts and public schoolboys. the junkies are nicer.
  • oxford: same number of cunts as cambridge but easier to escape from due to all-night bus to london
  • edinburgh: a goth turned into a city. basically london but slightly more scottish.
  • glasgow: it is impossible to tell whether people are angry or happy.
  • aberdeen: las vegas at the point when vegas starts crying uncontrollably
  • belfast: do not order "an irish car bomb" OR "a black and tan" here.
  • wolverhampton: really, really don't.
  • norwich: count people's fingers. mutations walk here.
  • coventry: like plymouth, bombed flat in ww2. like plymouth, failed to take the hint. like plymouth: do not alight here.
  • peterborough: you probably got off the train to Edinburgh a couple of hours too early.

Notes

  1. fundanshi reblogged this from babybabyzoe
  2. babybabyzoe reblogged this from dangvocataliastuck
  3. leroneandonly reblogged this from goatmanification
  4. goatmanification reblogged this from cosmiclumi
  5. dangvocataliastuck reblogged this from chroniclesoflozz
  6. chroniclesoflozz reblogged this from flirtatiouslinguini
  7. imgonnaputasmileonyourprettyface reblogged this from destinationscotland
  8. barryhugheyianwaynekyle reblogged this from 1d-crazed-whore
  9. 1d-crazed-whore reblogged this from eccentric-affliction
  10. siristaci reblogged this from fabalask
  11. sixtyninepercentmilk reblogged this from regaininginterest
  12. fefetascatfishcastle reblogged this from zewhomustnotbenamed
  13. sarcasmotoyou reblogged this from benedizzle-cumberwubwubwub
  14. crumplelush reblogged this from luxurio93
  15. bluetimebox reblogged this from larousse1
  16. larousse1 reblogged this from cosmiclumi
  17. luxurio93 reblogged this from zojja
  18. cosmiclumi reblogged this from crazedteensie
  19. poppunknpierced reblogged this from wltch
  20. crazedteensie reblogged this from devil-trigger
  21. thathybridguy reblogged this from banana-the-little-one
  22. noisylittlenothing reblogged this from carryonmywaywardhellbitch
  23. canadianfairy reblogged this from wellspokenrambler
  24. banana-the-little-one reblogged this from wise-beyond-our-years
  25. lullabystorm reblogged this from wise-beyond-our-years
  26. wise-beyond-our-years reblogged this from devil-trigger
  27. devil-trigger reblogged this from squarepegsaz
  28. secrets-and-pies-posts reblogged this from andrewscottiee