Tuesday, December 18, 2012

a guide to uk cities for foreign people

  • manchester: gays. you will probably get mugged.
  • liverpool: like manchester, but less gay. you will definitely get mugged.
  • newcastle: probably quite good for canadians as exists in permafrost and has never left the 90s.
  • leeds: it's a lot cheaper than london
  • bradford: leeds but awful
  • nottingham: gun death capital of the uk!
  • derby: intense rivalry with nottingham, literally no one else in the country or world gives any fucks about this.
  • hull: violently resist anyone who attempts to take you here
  • leicester: i'm not sure this is a real place
  • york: this is an illustration from the top of a christmas biscuit assortment
  • birmingham: NO.
  • brighton & hove: more gays. is only a pretend city. mild to moderate chance of mugging. contains some deeply annoying hippies. basically if san francisco was british.
  • portsmouth: there is literally nothing here.
  • southampton: exactly the same as portsmouth but smells of off milk
  • bristol: you have a 1 in 10 chance of ending up in a bbc recording. everyone sounds like a farmer or bob marley.
  • cardiff: you have a 1 in 5 chance of ending up in a bbc recording, and a 1 in 3 chance of being glassed.
  • plymouth: post apocalyptic wind tunnel full of drunk sailors pissing on depressed hookers. do not enter.
  • penzance: everyone here is from london now.
  • london: no one from london is actually from london and even breathing is expensive.
  • cambridge: windy and full of equal amounts of homeless drug addicts and public schoolboys. the junkies are nicer.
  • oxford: same number of cunts as cambridge but easier to escape from due to all-night bus to london
  • edinburgh: a goth turned into a city. basically london but slightly more scottish.
  • glasgow: it is impossible to tell whether people are angry or happy.
  • aberdeen: las vegas at the point when vegas starts crying uncontrollably
  • belfast: do not order "an irish car bomb" OR "a black and tan" here.
  • wolverhampton: really, really don't.
  • norwich: count people's fingers. mutations walk here.
  • coventry: like plymouth, bombed flat in ww2. like plymouth, failed to take the hint. like plymouth: do not alight here.
  • peterborough: you probably got off the train to Edinburgh a couple of hours too early.


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