Tuesday, December 18, 2012

a guide to uk cities for foreign people

  • manchester: gays. you will probably get mugged.
  • liverpool: like manchester, but less gay. you will definitely get mugged.
  • newcastle: probably quite good for canadians as exists in permafrost and has never left the 90s.
  • leeds: it's a lot cheaper than london
  • bradford: leeds but awful
  • nottingham: gun death capital of the uk!
  • derby: intense rivalry with nottingham, literally no one else in the country or world gives any fucks about this.
  • hull: violently resist anyone who attempts to take you here
  • leicester: i'm not sure this is a real place
  • york: this is an illustration from the top of a christmas biscuit assortment
  • birmingham: NO.
  • brighton & hove: more gays. is only a pretend city. mild to moderate chance of mugging. contains some deeply annoying hippies. basically if san francisco was british.
  • portsmouth: there is literally nothing here.
  • southampton: exactly the same as portsmouth but smells of off milk
  • bristol: you have a 1 in 10 chance of ending up in a bbc recording. everyone sounds like a farmer or bob marley.
  • cardiff: you have a 1 in 5 chance of ending up in a bbc recording, and a 1 in 3 chance of being glassed.
  • plymouth: post apocalyptic wind tunnel full of drunk sailors pissing on depressed hookers. do not enter.
  • penzance: everyone here is from london now.
  • london: no one from london is actually from london and even breathing is expensive.
  • cambridge: windy and full of equal amounts of homeless drug addicts and public schoolboys. the junkies are nicer.
  • oxford: same number of cunts as cambridge but easier to escape from due to all-night bus to london
  • edinburgh: a goth turned into a city. basically london but slightly more scottish.
  • glasgow: it is impossible to tell whether people are angry or happy.
  • aberdeen: las vegas at the point when vegas starts crying uncontrollably
  • belfast: do not order "an irish car bomb" OR "a black and tan" here.
  • wolverhampton: really, really don't.
  • norwich: count people's fingers. mutations walk here.
  • coventry: like plymouth, bombed flat in ww2. like plymouth, failed to take the hint. like plymouth: do not alight here.
  • peterborough: you probably got off the train to Edinburgh a couple of hours too early.

Notes

  1. justorganizingmain reblogged this from fuckmebitchfuckyou
  2. hessianheresy reblogged this from alioninherowncause
  3. alioninherowncause reblogged this from thighrabanks
  4. viscouspixel reblogged this from johnlock-17
  5. mehrmaidman-and-barnaclebitch reblogged this from declanarry
  6. notsohazelgrace reblogged this from youngheartsoldfarts
  7. idroppedmypencil95 reblogged this from yourideasarepointless
  8. youngheartsoldfarts reblogged this from declanarry
  9. cornflaxe reblogged this from dragon-in-dragg
  10. yourideasarepointless reblogged this from hazcanyounot
  11. narrygivesmewarmfuzzies reblogged this from declanarry
  12. dragon-in-dragg reblogged this from hazcanyounot
  13. hazcanyounot reblogged this from declanarry
  14. mysparkles reblogged this from declanarry
  15. declanarry reblogged this from jordanwalk
  16. targaryans reblogged this from lostviolentsouls
  17. ceasarsdead reblogged this from heptangle
  18. masquerade-of-stars reblogged this from wifii
  19. trueloveonly reblogged this from transponsters
  20. lovegoodsfreshwaterplimpies reblogged this from chiggypuffjr
  21. chugway reblogged this from simonbitdiddle
  22. simonbitdiddle reblogged this from nimukhaleesi
  23. nimukhaleesi reblogged this from k-class-love-machine
  24. sanctiu reblogged this from k-class-love-machine